I am sorry dear... i forgot to tell you earlier that i am going out.. i know i hurt u and disappoint u again... i am sorry... it seems like i m seriously an annoying and selfish pig... i am really sorry... pls dont forgive me so fast.. i don deserve it..

 as of today... i think if i don blog it out, i might just go crazy... so forgive me for another emo and 'oh, there she goes again- self-defeating and self-pity mentality'

 double blow today... as much i told myself to remain positive ( i cant even type properly now. shit! ), to think positively, i cant.. i curb my feelings and i though i would be fine after i start studying and focusing on marketing, but i still cant help thinking about all the disappointment and all the mistakes i made today..

 social worker's self-awareness time: i might be actually having many cognitive distortions and also labeling myself with my emotions. but how do i challenge all of them? i do think i am such a failure, always blank out during exams and in the end? cry.. that's all i know how to do huh... and to think that i do actually have a strong foundation in my malay but today then i realised how weak it was and how arrogant m i in overestimating my abilities. or in addition, i knew my mistakes but i just went on with it.. i only had four and a half hours of slp?? lack of concentration?? and i seriously need to revamped my studying methods... (this is what i told myself since idk how long ago)..

 maybe this is really my punishment.. as much as i did study, it is my fault that i harbour the thoughts of giving up and also allowing myself to slack off.. and also a wake up call to STOP HAVING MENTAL BLOCKS DURING EXAMS... how many times do i want myself to land in that situation again?!?! alevels, sem 1, sem 2 changing landscapes mid terms (when i study so much and so prepared and i flopped when i saw the qns), sw2101(which i kind of expected, but i didnt expect it to be so severe). cried in daddy's car, don think he noticed...

 as much as i tell myself CAP and results are not the only thing in life, ultimately what i do will be to become an effective and efficient social worker, but i know i would still be very affected by it as much as all of us are trying to deny it... placement is going to start very soon.. not giving myself any chance to make stupid mistakes, i am going there to learn and also to grow, at the same time, it is my chance to also pick myself up with another round of report writing, process recording, i got to do a good job....

 i am so tired....


 *sheean* 1:03 AM



It sucks to end the night like this... i am sorry...

i didnt mean to think that way.. i really didnt...
i just thought we were not on that topic anymore...
and you were just joking with me...
i was indeed speaking with a matter-of-fact tone, but i was just being very casual about it... im sorry for being so insensitive..

but it really does frighten me when you talked to me in that tone..
especially when i seriously didnt mean to make you angry and u suddenly just got so angry (from my point of view)

i am sorry....

i did just want to have a good night chat with you..
i dint expect to ruin it like that...
i am sorry.... 12:19 AM